


Tomorrow, I Will Kill Myself

by Marshylott



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Blackmail, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Emotional Manipulation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Minor Original Character(s), Mood Swings, Non-Consensual, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Sugawara Koushi, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, Tsukishima Kei-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:27:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26318677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marshylott/pseuds/Marshylott
Summary: A concerned Kageyama discovers why Tsukishima was acting weird after their afternoon practice, it turns out that Tsukishima was going to kill himself. But Why?
Comments: 8
Kudos: 58





	1. Beneath Your Light

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan-fiction ever and english isnt my first language! Spare me my friends.

Tsukishima was ecstatic, excited, jumpy, and even smiling. His mood was extraordinarily well, it seemed like he just had a worthwhile vacation during the weekends that made him all flowers and fun. Somehow the boy’s never-ending energetic look had prompted the other crows to look at him at such awe for his odd behavior.

Most of them thought it was _cute._

”Ryuu, Is it just me or is Tsukishima actually smiling right now?” Nishinoya whispered and nudged the bewildered Tanaka who was eyeing the blonde with a latch of concern.

”Yes, I’m seeing it Noya- but it’s making me more confused than my math tests.”

”I know right.”

His smirks, snarky grin, and condescending words were no longer to be found but instead, Tsukishima just continued humming while swaying his hips lightly as he removed his sweat-soaked clothes from the three grueling hours of practice. Now, even the tired and startled Yamaguchi looked confused yet undoubtedly happy inside for his friend’s sudden mood, but he sure preferred this rather than last week’s sullen aura from the blonde boy.  
  


Yamaguchi just watched Tsukishima’s light refreshing smiles form into more active ones as the boy finishes folding his clothes. The blonde’s bony fingers traveled on the fresh clothes he brought with him while carefully examining it, checking if it was squeaky clean. Meanwhile, Yamaguchi‘s mind continues to fly around the fact that he should be worried that he was staring at his friend’s hand for so long. He turned his head towards his locker and tried thinking about something else. He abruptly got the silly idea of inviting his friend to the bakery that he wished to check together with the other crows. He smiled happily to himself and picked up his pace to dress.

“You look very happy Tsukishima- well It’s not a bad thing, it’s just a little rare for me to see you this cheery! It’s like GWAA-!” the ginger head boy stumbled upon his words.

The sunlight beamed at Tsukishima’s skin as Hinata gave him a quick glance. It revealed some light patches that he had assumed, was from receiving.

  
However Hinata’s attempt to address Tsukishima’s rare behavior had caused the other third years to snap their head towards the two first years to see Tsukishima’s reaction, worrying if that question would create tension. Tsukishima just stared at the boy with a blank and cold exterior, his smile gone. It had caused to send shivers on Hinata’s spine along with the now quiet and suffocating room. Tuskishima just continued to unfold his fresh and new t-shirt that smelled like an expensive cotton perfume while digging holes on hinata’s face. Hinata backed away slightly as if Tsukishima was going to claw him out for asking. 

Tsukishima cackled, he then gave Hinata a mysterious smile. Playfulness is evident in his expression.

His smile was almost a mix of melancholy, genuine happiness and _freedom_. Tsukishima closed his locker with a loud bang as the others continued to hold their breaths while they waited for his answer.

His saltiness was replaced by an overwhelming amount of sweetness as he smiled so brightly, “Im just very happy that everything’s perfect you know?” an angelic laugh left the blonde’s mouth and it sent the crow’s mouth gaping. The whole clubroom was filled with Tsukishima’s soft laughter and excitement. “I even bought this rope on sale- the quality was so good i almost cried out of joy!” Hinata just stared at the boy questioningly as the blonde prepares to leave the clubroom. 

‘A rope made him this happy?’ everyone thought.

  
‘What’s he going to use the rope for? Does he have a girlfriend?’ Sugawara thought. He just brushed off the idea behind about Tsukishima tying someone up- or Tsukishima being tied up. He slightly shook his head which earned a concerned gaze from Daichi. He thought that he shouldn’t ask Tsukishima about it, afraid that his mood might be driven into distraught, he couldnt afford to let the blonde be prickly again afterall.

“Tsukki! Wait for me-“ the green haired boy was cut off by Tsukishima’s yet blinding smile again. “We should go to the bakery I told you about last week!” Yamaguchi offered a smile, hoping that the blonde would agree.

Tsukishima looked at him and patted his head, which sent intense stares flying at them. 

  
The next move caught everyone off-guard as they saw Tsukishima slid his hand onto Yamaguchi’s growing bangs, then to his left ear while teasingly brushing his slender fingers on the cheek of his now-strawberry-red complexion. He saw Tsukishima’s lips form into a more gentle smile while the sad and immediate desire was flashing slightly from his eyes.

He caught his breath as Tsukishima’s face moved closer to his, he somehow got a whiff of an expensive perfume coming from the blonde’s t-shirt but it didnt help him relax. His heart started beating abnormally fast as he felt the minty breath on his ears, “Actually Yamaguchi, I have to run an errand for my mom. You should go ahead without me okay? I’ll bring you something nice tomorrow.” Yamaguchi couldnt help but to nod while still in daze, as if he was trying to process what was dawning upon him. Before he could gather himself up and utter something in protest, tsukishima had already left. 

He collapsed on his knees while covering his beet-red face. “What was that, You guys are together?” Noya stopped on his tracks to look at yamaguchi who was still silent and unmoving on the wooden floor.

“Oh I have no idea what’s happening but let them be with their privacies.” Daichi uttered his commands which left the other crows to start moving again to mind their own business. 

“But I’m not gonna lie, that was kind of hot.” 

They all turned their heads and glared towards the now clueless, Tanaka, “What?” The aggressive crow said while zipping up his jacket.

Daichi and the others just sighed and washed away their disappointment. Yamaguchi grew more embarrassed and ashamed, he wasnt expecting such a sweet gesture from his friend either, it was as if tsukishima had become an another person. He stared at the ground the whole time as everyone left the changing roooms while sparing him a glance. It wasnt so long until Kageyama and Yamaguchi remained alone in the silent room. The both of them werent close but they werent awkward with each other either.

“Something’s off.” Kageyama mumbles while his usual scowl was evident in his face. 

He felt his entirety say that something didnt sit right with him while looking athow Tsukishima had acted. Tsukishima’s smile and laughter wasnt very pleasing to him but rather; it had scared him, he wasnt going to tell anyone that. Kageyama had always went with instincts afterall, he ponders about what’s the best thing to do and knew there was a possibility that Tsukishima is winning the Weird-O-meter.

Yamaguchi tilted his head slightly “Huh? What do you mean that something’s off, kageyama?” the setter just grunted while fidgeting, “It’s nothing,” but yamaguchi was sure it wasnt just ‘nothing’ since the raven haired boy just intensified his frowning while still silently debating himself inside.

‘Do i ask Tsukishima or what? But we’re not close, he’ll probably just laugh at me’

Kageyama couldnt control this unsettling feeling inside him anymore. His insides were all rumbly, but he wasnt even hungry, his feet were itching to make a run. Was he stressed? It feels like he wanted to go chase Tsukishima and ask, even though it certainly feels like stepping onto his own sad grave. He sighed and carefully made his decision while balling up his courage to continue, he was to go after Tsukishima, just so he could sleep peacefully at night and satisy what his body tells him to do right now.

“Actually, I should just go. See you” The raven proceeded at his might, not knowing what he was about to discover. 


	2. A Buddy For A Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kageyama followed Tsukishima and proceeded to confront him. The odds were the fact that they became friends because of a certain trade. 
> 
> So then, Tsukishima asked him to help to hide a body. Because that’s what friends are for, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In growing tired of every day that passes while in modular and online learning. Even my weekend and time for hobbies are being gobbled up but still, it doesn't stop me from writing drafts!

The sky was painted with hues of yellows and purple when Kageyama rushed past the gym and the gloomy hallways. He arrived gate with an incredible speed while trying to catch up with Tsukishima who had left earlier than him. He huffed his breath and placed his hands on his knees, he finally spotted a tall blonde on the end of the street. 

  
Kageyama turned his focus around and quickly sprinted towards the direction the boy took. He felt that every step he took towards Tsukishima was also his curiosity and concern quenching it’s long-time thirst.

The wind blew a cold breeze while the skies grew darker, the hues turned into values of dark blue as he got near the lone blonde. He hid himself behind the walls while holding his breath, his head peaking through. He felt the cold sweat smothered on his forehead and his fingers were slightly trembling from the fear of getting discovered, though his eyes were still dead focused on spying on the blonde’s path.

He calmed himself first then started thinking, _‘Where’s this? I’ve never seen him go this direction with Yamaguchi_ ’ Kageyama frowned while scanning the unknown street.

He continues to follow the blonde because he couldn’t find the right timing to reach out to the target. He regrets and blames himself for being awkward for a second. ‘ _I cant help that people don’t like me,_ ’ a silent pang shot through his feeble heart.

The setter couldn’t help but to suddenly feel like a stalker, well right now he supposed he was. A guilty expression spread onto his face, he couldn’t believe himself that he was doing this instead of practicing his new quick with Hinata. Kageyama could already imagine Tsukishima’s scowls if he fails at hiding. The mean blonde would surely shower him with the cruelest words to exist on earth without batting an eye.

Let’s not forget to include Tsukishima’s trump card; his most hated nickname, King. Just the thought of Tsukishima doing his daily routine of riling him up brought an unsightly scowl to his face.

_ ‘It’s been an hour of walking around these random streets and following him, where exactly is he going?’ _

  
Kageyama knew he had to stop spacing out when he noticed the blonde’s pace at walking go faster. He started to run while trying to match his breath, he felt his chest getting tighter in search for oxygen as the night seems to get deeper. Tsukishima then disappeared while making a turn on the right.

Kageyama felt hesitant when he noticed that there weren’t any lights on the end street, he wasn’t exactly a fan of the dark. He strolled through the unfamiliar place while being accompanied by the coo’s of birds in the air as it blew an another round of chilly breezes. He tried keeping his hands together to warm it up as he attempted to find Tsukishima. He could’t be more thankful and relieved when he saw a familiar silhouette.

Tsukishima was standing in front of a department store, his curls were slightly suspended and stiff in his head because of the wind. The neon signs reflected slightly on the blonde’s form while he seemingly stopped and then headed towards a grassy part of the street.

Kageyama then saw lights illuminating the water. ‘ _There’s a river around here?’_ He tried squinting his eyes while his hand was clutched on his school bag. He stepped a little closer to get a better view, feeling a subtle pain on his ankle from his endless stalking antics and adventure. It was getting to dark to see so he tried searching for his phone.

  
‘ _Perhaps I should go and approach him after I-‘_

A hand flew over Kageyama’s shoulder.

  
“I knew someone was following me but i didn’t expect it to be you, King.” a slightly pissed yet amused voice made Kageyama jump. He almost bit his tongue because of the sudden contact, his heart was hammering through his chest. He felt his whole body go stiff, he tried opening his mouth to speak but he couldn’t get any words to come out.

  
  
Kageyama’s lip slightly trembled, both because of the cold and anxiety. ‘ _What do i say now?’_ He bit his lip and dug his nails on his palm, the pain seething through his hand.

Tsukishima just stared at him. The clouds had stopped covering the moon, giving him access to the blonde’s face and figure. His face had a hint of amusement and of course, his eyes were glinting at Kageyama’s now awkward movements. He turned his focus towards another direction, trying to avoid the blonde’s attentive gaze.

  
A silent minute passed between them. 

Tsukishima clicked his tongue while sassily placing a hand on his hip, “So? Why were you following me?” an angry tone was evident on his question. Kageyama let out a frustrated grunt.

  
“I was worried.”

It took some minutes to process what Kageyama had let out. Tsukishima just stood unmoving and shocked, his shoulders fell into a slump as tiny bits of his memories came flowing freely into his mind.

Of course, most of those memories were unfortunate and wretched ones. 

The barriers he had built was suddenly shattered and left astray because of a single statement. Tsukishima felt his eyes slightly water but mustered his courage not to. He decided not to waver for more than a second, a minute and forever. It was true that he had been waiting for someone to notice that something was wrong. However, he thought it was very odd that he felt like bursting into laughters and lash out on Kageyama at the same time. ‘ _Oh! How’d you know that I’m currently on the brink of losing my sanity?’_ , he didn’t expect Kageyama to be comfort him without any hint of sarcasm nor contempt.

  
Was he even hearing the right thing?  
  


He would’ve have mocked the boy’s remark but he felt some indescribable satisfaction beneath his expression. While he was trying to convince himself of not believing what he had just heard; unaware of the passing time, he managed to let out a snort to emphasise his disbelief. 

At that moment, Tsukishima had already planned in his mind about this whole escapade game. He was convinced he’s going to make it interesting. His lips quirked a little as he gave the raven-haired setter; whose eyes shone even more despite his questioning eyes,  a thrilled look. Tsukishima almost thought that those deep blue-orbs that seemed to hypnotise him were beautiful, well almost- If he wasn’t whipped for his childhood and high school crush, Yamaguchi.

“You?”

Even if Kageyama was actually worried,  He _already did_ what he had to do.

  
The memories of that night continued flashing through his head, he felt his breath hitch a little. ‘ _People only notice that something’s wrong after you fucked everything up after all’_ Tsukishima thought. But then, who was he supposed to blame? It’s not their fault that he didn’t tell them something was going on. The ironic and bitter feeling spread into Tsukishima’s mouth. 

  
He focused on his plan, he didn’t like the idea of being emotional. He was done at moping around and being on that stage, it’s time to bury all those emotions off and proceed what he had started. All he needs to do is put some more necessary pushing to get rid of his plan’s dents, and that includes _Kageyama_.

Kageyama looked at him, “What? it’s not like I’m completely apathetic-“ The raven- haired setter said while his red ear tips stood out.

“So I’d now if something’s wrong.” He continued.

Tsukishima had laughed internally as he slightly pushed his glasses upwards, “You know, If I didn’t realise you’d actually follow me- no, stalk me until here. I would’ve drowned you already. I was planning to push you on the river when I realized someone was following me.”

Kageyama hands grew cold, he felt a little scared. He was just thankful that Tsukishima realized it was him or else he would have to go home drenched like a wet rug. “Are you insane? Why’d you push me on the river- I even went this far to ask you this because you were acting weird.” Tsukishima sent dagger looks across Kageyama.

“First of all, you followed me here with your own accord. I don’t need your concern king, i can handle myself. Secondly, what’s it to you if I’m happy?” Tsukishima tried pushing Kageyama’s patience to the end. 

Kageyama returned the feisty glare Kei gave him, “You’re not. I know you’re not.”  
  
  


Tsukishima felt his hand ball up, he was itching to do something about the whole situation. He was growing more and more irritable at Kageyama’s attempts to get something from him. Unwanted thoughts of him getting rid of his teammate in an inappropriate way filled his mind, he shook his head. ‘ _He’s one of the densest person I know, someone probably forced him into this. I shouldn’t stress myself out, I can’t hurt him.’_

  
He calmed himself up, the troubled setter sent a worried glance.

**  
** _Nothing’s wrong._

Everything was perfectly fine, even the plan was going to be okay, so breath. 

Tsukishima was sure of himself that He should’ve pushed Kageyama and ran off to prepare everything but instead he was stuck here trying to deal with Kageyama’s ‘so called concern’. He grew angry at the thought and felt dejected about almost resorting towards violence but does it really matter now?

_‘I was at that phase already, hurting someone mustn’t mean so much_ ’ a pathetic feeling crept towards him.

He whispered “What do you know?”

“What? I didnt hear that.” Kageyama’s brows were furrowed into confusion.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine and nothing’s wrong with me. I was genuinely happy so if you please would, ou-sama. Leave me alone and go back.”

Kageyama let out a exasperated sigh, “I never knew you’d be this stubborn. I won’t tell anyone- you just have to tell me or at least get some help. It was obvious that you were feeling so off these past few weeks! Im trying my best to help because i don’t want you to end up like me.” Kageyama’s eyes grew sad as he finishes his last word. Tsukishima got even more confused, he ran his hand to his hair out of frustration and anger. He was at his limit and Kageyama’s still not aware that he’s pushing all of his patience he had left in him.

He eyed the setter curiously, the redness had already occupied the boy’s cheeks and angry expression. 

“And..”

“And?” He had more to say? 

“I dont know the way home.” Kageyama’s gaze dropped on the floor. He reminded Tsukishima of a lost kid on an amusement park, He then laughed at the thought.

Tsukishima felt himself smirk. “Fine by me then. Let’s get you home and i’ll tell you why i was acting weird.” Kageyama looked at the blonde with wide eyes and said, “Really? Why so suddenly?”

“Yes, really. Don’t you want to know? I mean you even risked your life to go here, who knows what would have happened if I went with my instinct and happened to push you here in the river.” Kageyama gulped at the thought. He couldn’t swim after all, he’d be a dead fish food if that had happened. He was very much convinced that Tsukishima wouldn’t even bother looking whom he had pushed.

His attention was brought back when he heard Tsukishima utter some words again, this time Tsukishima was smiling and had an encouraging tone left on his words. Kageyama felt like he was being baited into some major scam by a friend.

“But first you have to do it me.”

“Huh? Do what? Arent you and Yamaguchi together? and I’m not interested.” Kageyama stepped backwards as he made weird gestures to explain himself.

The smile escaped Tsukishima’s face when he knew Kageyama misunderstood him. “You idiot, I wouldn’t sleep with you even if you pay me every money in this world. But if you beg me on both knees, I might change my mind.” Tsukishima then grimaced at the thought of him and Kageyama together. What a pair would we be if that actually happened huh?

‘Sure hope that it wont.’

Kageyama made the most disgusted face ever. “Don’t worry, i wouldn’t.” Tsukishima laughed at the sight. “You dont have to look that disgusted alright?- You should’ve seen your reaction.” Tsukishima clutched his stomach while laughing at the ocean-eyed setter who was currently a blushing mess.

Kageyama grew more embarrassed and tried diverting the topic, “So are you going to tell me?”

A familiar hum escaped the blonde’s lips. He approached the setter while slowly closing the space between them. Kageyama felt stumped when Tsukishima walked past and stood behind him. He felt a subtle brush against his arms so he shifted his head towards the blonde’s direction but he stopped when he felt a cold air breath against his ears. “Promise me first that whatever i’m about to do, you’ll do it with me.” Kageyama stood silent, wondering about what he should do.

Kageyama felt his dry throat as he spoke, “B-but why do I have to? What if it’s a bad thing?”

“You have to do it for assurance,” Tsukishima felt Kageyama’s hesistance and nervousness radiating through the air. “Who knows if you’re going to blabber this conversation off to someone else. Ah.. but if you ever do that, you should consider yourself dead. I’m not the kindest person you know?” Tsukishima wasn’t wrong.

The cicada’s sounds ringed softly on the night’s lone air, “That doesnt make it better, okay?” Kageyama let out a sigh, his eyebrows furrowed further as he contemplates.

“Fine, I’ll do it. I trust you.” Tsukishima’s smile widened.

‘ _Well you shouldn’t have,’_ the blonde told himself while recognising the fact that he had succeeded at baiting Kageyama. 

“Since you already stepped into this mess, I suppose I needed a helping hand afterall. I hope by now you have realized why curiosity always kills the cat- or maybe i should replace that with a crow.” Kageyama went silent, fear had stopped him from talking because as he tried to peek at Tsukishima’s face the neon light’s from the department store’s sign had flickered, he thought he had seen the blonde with a creepy grin. He convinced himself he was imagining it but he couldn’t help but still be uncomfortable. He tugged his shirt to search for comfort.

“You dont have to look so scared, I’m actually happy that we may be a little similar.”

“Just get straight to the point!”

“Okay then, well tomorrow..” Kageyama felt Tuskishima’s nails dig on his neck, he irked because of the sudden pain. “What are you on about? It hurts!—“

“—And what’s with tomorrow, are you trying to tell me you’re secretly a sadist?”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes and wiped his fingers with a handkerchief, “Ugh, why are you so chatty? Shut up.” Kageyama stopped speaking immediately when he saw a pained expression on Tsukishima’s face. The middle blocker just gazed at the starry night, while uttering the words he’d never though he’d say in a single sentence.   
  


“Tomorrow, Im going to kill myself.” 

Kageyama felt his whole body go cold, his eyes shot up to Tsukishima, hoping to find some sort of emotion or confirmation if the blonde was joking, but he couldn’t. Tsukishima had a very burdened and sorrowful look, it’s feels like the blonde had already given up with everything. He was seeing an empty shell with a fragmented soul. “What!? Are you kidding me? What does this mean- I- let’s get you some help!” Kageyama’s voice echoed through the night while attempting to run. 

  
Panic oozed to Kageyama’s entirety, he hadn’t expected for things to turn out this way.

Tsukishima’s hand found its way to kageyamas wrist while his grip was going more intense with every second, his expressions was unreadable. Kageyama tried to free himself but he couldnt. “I don’t need help. Now, if you tell anyone, I swear that I’ll bring you with me and snap your pretty little wrists and fingers then hang you first. Understoond king?” 

Kageyama felt his eyes drooping as he continues to loosen Tsukishima’s grip. His thoughts were clouded and his body felt hooded and numb from what he heard. He weakly nodded while his mind was still absent.

  
What about Yamaguchi? 

What about his family? 

What about his friends?

What about the volleyball club?

Tsukishima was going to kill himself? But why?

  
Tsukishima let go of him. He immediately rubbed his wrists as he panted. Tsukishima smiles again and reaches his burning hands for a handshake. “Shall we be friends from this day, king?” he smiles, although his duality scared the boy.

Nevertheless, Kageyama still reached for the blonde to return the handshake.

What Tsukishima was unaware of was; even the scared and the densest boy he knows was already planning something to stop him. Kageyama was not smart, sensitive nor gentle but he was not going to let his teammate-no!his friend kill to himself. 

“Okay.” Tsukishima grinned. “Now that we’re friends, help me hide a body.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shall i make a fan art for this fic? Let me know if there’s something i can improve on, im open to criticisms! <3

**Author's Note:**

> Im open for constructive criticism, i’m always willing to learn!


End file.
